why dave bergman is neat

ok, so i think i done learned me to post some photos. so here is a shot of the beautiful bride:

in honor of my recent nuptials, i thought i'd post the following (slightly edited), which i received indirectly from (of all people!) my new mother-in-law. i'm glad to see she's already tuned in, and i'll try now to impress it cyberifically on my new wiffle.

(just kidding al! ha ha!)

(HA!)

Guys' Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

by the way, i forgot to mention that vance also has a link to an article about why you all should move to philadelphia.

at long last, the E is back on the dave. so everybody relax...exhale...there, are we feeling better now?

so i've been gone for a while learning the ropes of husbandry with my beautiful new bride. and i think i've got it pretty much down pat. just ask the young lady.

or, on second thought: don't.

anyway, if you're curious to see what the special day looked like in all its permutations, go see my friend vancenation. there, you'll see some lovely bridesmaids, the stunning bride, and me, smiling goofily at the whole thing.

the only minor snag was when the organist wasn't there for the beginning of the service, but we worked it out fo' sho'. i was just happy that i somehow conned the duchess into saying 'i will' to some pretty weighty demands, though she refused to assent to the most weighty one of all: 'and thereto i give thee my troth' (and get this: the dude is supposed to say 'and thereto i plight thee my troth'(!)).

but worry not: this was only because neither one of us new what a troth was, let alone whether we had one at our disposal to give or to plight.

but all is well and i hope it is with our 1-2 readers as well.